Musical Humor Page
A Chorister's Confession
ALMIGHTY and most merciful Conductor;
We have erred, and strayed from thy beat like lost sheep;
We have followed too much the devices and tempos of our own parts;
We have offended against thy pronunciation laws;
We have left unsung those notes which we ought to have sung;
And we have sung those notes which we ought not to have sung;
And there is no intonation in us.
But thou, O Conductor, have mercy upon us, miserable singers.
Spare thou them that have lost their music;
Restore thou them that have forgotten the signature;
And grant, O most merciful maestro, that we may hereafter live an allegro moderato, un poco andante life;
To the glory of thy choir's Name. Amen.
Job Opportunities for Church Musicians (a saga)
(the typical church job in Kansas,
Holy Apostolic Pentecostal Charismatic Fundamental Evangelical Right of Truth Rod of God Church of Holiness seeks a minister of salvation through music (read "organist").
Organ: We have a 1945 Hammond. Plans are being made to purchase a 1966 Allen.
Duties: The organist directs the three adult choirs: The Noah's Flood Choir, The Garden of Eden Choir, and The Smite the Heathen Choir. In addition, there are seven youth choirs, each named after a Plague of Egypt: The Frog Choir, The Pimples Choir, and so forth.
Compensation: $6.00 weekly. The organist is
expected to tithe 50% of this to the church. Annual re-baptism also
included (towel not provided).
For further information, contact the Rev. Billy Bob Snodgrass c/o WGOD-AM.
(the church job Michael and I had
before coming to MDUUC)
Our Blessed Virgin of Perpetual Regeneration. We are a small Catholic parish of 3500 and are looking for an organist/cantor/music director.
Organ: We have a four-manual, 135-rank, 1925 E.M. Skinner organ. This instrument has needed re-leathering since 1954 and will be operable once we get the funds. The organ maintenance fund, begun in 1957, now contains $16.59. Until the remaining $137,000 is raised, the organist can utilize the Baldwin FunMachine in the rear gallery.
Duties: The musician plays the following masses: Saturdays at 1:00 PM, 3:00 PM, 5:00 PM, 9:00 PM, and 1:00 AM.; and Sundays at 4:00 AM, 6:00 AM, 9:00 AM, Latin Mass at 10:00 AM, Spanish Mass at 11:00 AM, Polish Mass at 12:00 noon, Gaelic Mass at 1:00 PM, and the 3:00 PM Hootenanny. The 8:00 PM Bingo Mass is optional. The musician also sings weekday Novenas, devotions, and rosaries from 6:00 AM to 8:00 PM. The musician is responsible for all holy days, weddings, funerals, baptisms, confessions, etc. (without extra compensation), and directs the Palestrina choir (five sopranos and one second bass) and the Schola Guitarum.
Compensation: Grace and Indulgence, as cash
is of no use to a servant of God.
You may live in the basement or parish hall storage room if you are a priest.
For further info, contact Fr. Patrick O'Shaughnessy, Fr. Giovanni Ferrari, or Fr. Wozelewski Szymenozski.
(how we as Midwesterners imagined
church jobs in California to be)
Temple of Krishna Consciousness
Organ: Made of bamboo, elephant tusks and monkey dung, it used to be a practice instrument at the University of California - Berkeley.
Duties: The musician must play at all Ganges baptisms, at all sacrifices of virgins to the goddess Kali, and in airport lobbies. The musician may wear an orange robe, or nothing at all.
Compensation: We can arrange it so that in
your next life you'll be something other than an musician.
For further information, please shake your beads in a counter-clockwise motion while chanting, dancing, and fasting.
POSITION 4 (how most of my friends & relatives view my position as Music Director at Mt. Diablo Unitarian Universalist Church in Walnut Creek, California (http://mduuc.org)
Thoreau Unitarian-Universalist Church of Trees, Flowers, Whales, and Alternative Lifestyles seeks somebody to keep the volunteer choir occupied before, during, and after the sermon. Large instrumental ensembles must appear once monthly during the regular service.
Organ: New $3,500,000 state-of-the-art synthsizer, and three flavors of pianos. The entire congregation sings and/or plays an instrument at a semi-professional level. Many will have acted as Music Director in the past, but will not disclose their opinions about that.
Qualifications: A little bit of everything! And we mean everything!
Compensation: Based on degrees and relevant
experience: $4,000 - $29,000 depending on qualifications, longevity,
size of the local congregation, and discounted bagels from the shop
owned by the Co-Goddess (chairperson) of the Standing
For further information, contact the Search Committee c/o all the members of the entire church.
Copyright (C) 2001-03 by Laura Prichard. All rights reserved.
Last update 8/30/03.