Musical Humor Page

A Chorister's Confession

ALMIGHTY and most merciful Conductor;

We have erred, and strayed from thy beat like lost sheep;

We have followed too much the devices and tempos of our own parts;

We have offended against thy pronunciation laws;

We have left unsung those notes which we ought to have sung;

And we have sung those notes which we ought not to have sung;

And there is no intonation in us.

But thou, O Conductor, have mercy upon us, miserable singers.

Spare thou them that have lost their music;

Restore thou them that have forgotten the signature;

And grant, O most merciful maestro, that we may hereafter live an allegro moderato, un poco andante life;

To the glory of thy choir's Name. Amen.

Job Opportunities for Church Musicians (a saga)

POSITION 1 (the typical church job in Kansas, Illinois)
Holy Apostolic Pentecostal Charismatic Fundamental Evangelical Right of Truth Rod of God Church of Holiness seeks a minister of salvation through music (read "organist").

Organ: We have a 1945 Hammond. Plans are being made to purchase a 1966 Allen.

Qualifications:

• The organist must not be a Catholic, Jew, or other unbeliever.
• The organist must believe that the Bible is God's inerrant Word and that every word is exactly true, and when Matthew and Luke disagree in Jesus' genealogy, or when Leviticus forbids a man to marry his brother's widow and Deuteronomy orders him to marry her, then it is our own mind that is at fault, for when faith speaks, then reason must be silent.
• The organist must have an IQ comparable to that of a snowcone.
• The organist must be heterosexual. Leviticus outlines how we must treat the sexually aberrant, so don't talk to us about "Christian Forgiveness."

Duties: The organist directs the three adult choirs: The Noah's Flood Choir, The Garden of Eden Choir, and The Smite the Heathen Choir. In addition, there are seven youth choirs, each named after a Plague of Egypt: The Frog Choir, The Pimples Choir, and so forth.

Compensation: $6.00 weekly. The organist is expected to tithe 50% of this to the church. Annual re-baptism also included (towel not provided).
For further information, contact the Rev. Billy Bob Snodgrass c/o WGOD-AM.

POSITION 2 (the church job Michael and I had before coming to MDUUC)
Our Blessed Virgin of Perpetual Regeneration. We are a small Catholic parish of 3500 and are looking for an organist/cantor/music director.

Organ: We have a four-manual, 135-rank, 1925 E.M. Skinner organ. This instrument has needed re-leathering since 1954 and will be operable once we get the funds. The organ maintenance fund, begun in 1957, now contains $16.59. Until the remaining $137,000 is raised, the organist can utilize the Baldwin FunMachine in the rear gallery.

Qualifications:

• The musician must not be a Protestant, Jew, or other unbeliever.
• The musician must accept the Word of God as being of primary importance, second only to the whims of the head priest.
• As to weddings, the musician must be guided by the bride's favorite CD of the three tenors and forget that nonsense about musical "integrity."

Duties: The musician plays the following masses: Saturdays at 1:00 PM, 3:00 PM, 5:00 PM, 9:00 PM, and 1:00 AM.; and Sundays at 4:00 AM, 6:00 AM, 9:00 AM, Latin Mass at 10:00 AM, Spanish Mass at 11:00 AM, Polish Mass at 12:00 noon, Gaelic Mass at 1:00 PM, and the 3:00 PM Hootenanny. The 8:00 PM Bingo Mass is optional. The musician also sings weekday Novenas, devotions, and rosaries from 6:00 AM to 8:00 PM. The musician is responsible for all holy days, weddings, funerals, baptisms, confessions, etc. (without extra compensation), and directs the Palestrina choir (five sopranos and one second bass) and the Schola Guitarum.

Compensation: Grace and Indulgence, as cash is of no use to a servant of God.
You may live in the basement or parish hall storage room if you are a priest.
For further info, contact Fr. Patrick O'Shaughnessy, Fr. Giovanni Ferrari, or Fr. Wozelewski Szymenozski.

POSITION 3 (how we as Midwesterners imagined church jobs in California to be)
Temple of Krishna Consciousness

Organ: Made of bamboo, elephant tusks and monkey dung, it used to be a practice instrument at the University of California - Berkeley.

Qualifications:

• The musician must not be a Christian, Jew, or other unbeliever.
• The musician must accept the avatars of Brahma, Vishnu.
• The musician must not be an Untouchable or have been a spider or snake in a previous life.
• The musician must have four arms and be able to sing at least two vocal parts simultaneously.

Duties: The musician must play at all Ganges baptisms, at all sacrifices of virgins to the goddess Kali, and in airport lobbies. The musician may wear an orange robe, or nothing at all.

Compensation: We can arrange it so that in your next life you'll be something other than an musician.
For further information, please shake your beads in a counter-clockwise motion while chanting, dancing, and fasting.

POSITION 4 (how most of my friends & relatives view my position as Music Director at Mt. Diablo Unitarian Universalist Church in Walnut Creek, California (http://mduuc.org)

Thoreau Unitarian-Universalist Church of Trees, Flowers, Whales, and Alternative Lifestyles seeks somebody to keep the volunteer choir occupied before, during, and after the sermon. Large instrumental ensembles must appear once monthly during the regular service.

Organ: New $3,500,000 state-of-the-art synthsizer, and three flavors of pianos. The entire congregation sings and/or plays an instrument at a semi-professional level. Many will have acted as Music Director in the past, but will not disclose their opinions about that.

Qualifications: A little bit of everything! And we mean everything!

Duties:

• 10:30 a.m. Sunday services and church dedications (two per month while sanctuary still looks brand new). Sunday service Sundays, summers and all local, regional, and national holidays free.
• Attendance at annual "Blessing of the Pets" (even though it's outdoors; we want the solidarity).
• Play the hymns and whatever else you want, but for God's sake (can we say that?) keep out of the board's way and don't finish past 11:30.
• Choose something recognizable as music for the anthem and the offertory.
• Discourage clapping and any other spontaneous sounds of affection for (or from) the musicians.

Compensation: Based on degrees and relevant experience: $4,000 - $29,000 depending on qualifications, longevity, size of the local congregation, and discounted bagels from the shop owned by the Co-Goddess (chairperson) of the Standing Committee.
For further information, contact the Search Committee c/o all the members of the entire church.